Senior Humour
I'm A Senior Citizen: And I'm Having The Time of My Life
by Patricia Ann Rivers
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I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, and bumpy and that's just my left leg.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory . .
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors . . .Absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . .
I'm wondering . . If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now . . .by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts . . . I've just lost the storeroom.
Seniors On The Highway
One:
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful."
"It's not just one car,” Herman said, “It's hundreds of them!"
Two:
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When I die, I want to go peacefully,
Like my grandfather did. In his sleep.
Not yelling and screaming
Like the passengers in his car.
Prayer for Senility
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God grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Age is a Funny Thing
by George Carlin
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get older is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions:
“How old are you?”
“I'm four and a half.”
You're never 36 and a half, but you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key.
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony -- you BECOME 21! YES!!!
But then you turn 30. Ohhh, what happened? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong? What changed?
You BECOME 21, YOU turn 30, then you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing.
You HIT Wednesday.
You get into your 80's and you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there...into the 90's you start going backward: I was JUST 92.
Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!
Age is a funny thing.
Senior Sharing
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The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries, and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking.
"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma’am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "the teeth".
After Retirement
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Father, restless and wishing still to be active, worked as caretaker at a local cemetery, a job he held until he was 85.
Part of his work involved jumping into the hole and squaring out the edges with a shovel so the casket would fit better.
One day as he climbed out, he stumbled stepping over the curtained railing around the grave.
Experiencing pain in his ribs, he reported to the local hospital emergency room where he was examined by a young resident. My sister-in-law, who worked in the hospital, went to the emergency room to see what was wrong with Father.
"Well," replied the unbelieving doctor, "according to his story, he jumped OUT of a grave."
